What are boundaries?
Just like a rubber band, we can’t be stretched out too thin. This is where boundaries come in. They are the limits we place for ourselves so that we aren’t left worn out in any aspect of our lives. They can be categorized into physical, emotional, mental, material and time boundaries.
Why do we require them?
They help prioritize our needs. This might sound especially hard to people who go out of their way to please others. However, they are usually the ones left bearing the brunt of not setting boundaries or being clear about it.
How we can set them:
- Remember why you’re doing it:
Prioritizing your needs does not make you selfish nor does it make you the bad guy. You are doing what you can to ensure you are healthy and secure in the aspects of your life. Reminder: Even therapists have therapists.
- Be honest about your feelings:
Start by labelling your own feelings to understand what you are experiencing when you feel a boundary being violated. Once that is identified, try expressing this to the other person who violated this boundary as they are often unaware they have.
- Be gentle but direct when you do:
Setting boundaries is all about communication. If the person is not happy with what you say, they will get on the defense and target you as ‘high maintenance’ or otherwise. Be kind when stating your feelings and needs but be firm on how they are to be expected in future interactions with you.
(Caution: In situations where violations may threaten your life, do not think twice. Be loud, vocal and reach out for help.)
- Be prepared for critique:
When you place boundaries, it can be taken as though you are doing this to hurt them. If this is the first time boundaries have been created with them, they may wonder what they did to warrant this kind of response from you. This is a normal reaction to expect and the easiest way to deal with it is to have an open conversation about why you feel something has caused a violation and what you would expect in the future.
- Check in with how they are:
Once you’ve had the space to talk, extend the same courtesy back. See what they have to say about this. If they normally react kindly to you, chances are they take it well. If they don’t, have them express why it affects them negatively and discuss what their concerns are.
- Check in with yourself:
Whether it’s the first or the tenth time you do this, the experience can be nerve-wracking. Check to see if you’re doing alright. If you aren’t, talking to someone can be helpful to give you the support you may need to go through with it. Or get back to the task after you have gained the mental strength to handle it. It does get easier with time.