Do you know someone who tends to apologize in situations where it isn’t necessary? Have you noticed yourself do it on occasion?
Apologizing is a good way to take responsibility for your mistakes and is an active step to making amends. But if you find yourself apologizing when an apology isn’t warranted, you could be betraying your own needs in service of others. Here are some reasons why it happens:
Gaslighting yourself – While gaslighting is usually heard with regards to how someone else treats you, we are just as susceptible to doing it to ourselves. It involves feeling like our experiences and feelings are invalid and as a result, we need to be doing the apologizing instead. This could also stem from feelings of low self-worth or shame, where you feel like you deserve what’s come to you and so, you put aside your needs to accommodate another’s.
Childhood experiences – Simply put, we could have been taught to. It could have been implicitly or explicitly expected of you. If you’ve grown up in families that demanded apologies, or with elders that never apologize for their mistakes but don’t extend the same for you, it may make you feel like you need to be the one doing it all the time. And it eventually becomes second nature to you.
Needing to please people – Apologizing when you don’t need to can feel like you are betraying yourself but it probably outweighs the need to want to be liked and accepted by everyone. However, it’s impossible to reach everyone’s standards. You’re bound to not match up, it’s human nature. Cut yourself some slack!
Being scared to lose relationships – When feeling insecure about a relationship, or having had past instances where friends have turned on you if you didn’t, it’s understandable that you wouldn’t want to take any more chances. However, apologizing for the sake of saving a relationship speaks volumes about the bond shared. Opening up to your loved ones should be welcome and received well and if not, indicates that boundaries need to be placed.
Wanting to avoid conflict – Saying sorry may be the quickest way to avoid a confrontation but it rarely keeps feelings from festering up. On the surface, things may seem resolved but it’s usually a win-lose situation. You may feel like you’re always the one compromising and the other person is oblivious to it.