All of us have been guilty of people pleasing at some stage in our lives. While it may be easier to get out of it for some, it’s quite difficult to do when we have felt the need to appease people. This could be due to various reasons but they all contribute to feelings of incongruence with who we are and who we present ourselves to be. Here are some things to keep in mind if you’ve decided that you wish to make a change:
1. Be aware of your comfort levels – This is the first most important step to changing the habit. People pleasers find themselves blurring their boundaries and compromising on their values quite often because the cost is the possible rejection that they may face. As a result, they agree to and do things that they are uncomfortable with. When you are aware of your needs, values and boundaries, you are less likely to adhere to something that is bound to make you feel unpleasant or cause you distress.
2. Be true to who you are – When you find yourself changing yourself to match others expectations and standards for you, you may lose sight of who you are. And if you don’t know the real you, you would likely keep up the habit of changing. While this may help you not disappoint others, you run the risk of coming across as fake and no one knowing and accepting the real you.
3. Be vocal about your needs – Once you have identified what your needs, values and boundaries are, look back to situations in the past that made you feel like you had to compromise because you wished to please someone else. Analyse when and where a similar situation could come up in the future so that you are better prepared for them. Look for opportunities where you can begin to state your needs in small ways. For example, telling a trusted friend you want to stay in rather than go out or telling the waiter if he asks that you don’t want extra fries or a drink to go with your meal.
4. Take a moment to pause – When you are so used to agreeing to things, you are likely to keep the habit up. The pattern has been to respond immediately to requests that come to you. Respond after taking a moment. If you think the silence would feel strange or make things awkward, try responding with one of the following: “Can I get back to you on that?”, “Let me get back to you on that” or “I’ll give it some more thought and let you know”.
5. Practice being assertive – If you’ve decided you want to turn down a request you could use the template, “I understand that___ but I don’t feel comfortable with___. I hope you understand/ Thanks for understanding.” For example, “I understand that it’s an important event but I don’t really feel too comfortable stepping out with this virus. I hope you understand.” Assertiveness may seem like a bad thing but once you get the hang of stating your point firmly but with love or politeness, you will soon see how helpful it is to stay true to yourself.
6. Remember that you can’t please everyone – And that’s okay! When you try to fit the mould of another’s idealized version of you, you’re bound to create disappointments because there’s only so much of you that can change. Embrace your uniqueness and the things that make you stand out rather than shying away from it! The world would be both boring and chaotic if everyone was trying to be someone they aren’t.