Humans are independent in thought, belief, emotion and behaviour. They are also wired for social connection. Putting the two together, we find ourselves butting heads with others more often than we would like. Resolving conflict is, therefore, necessary for peaceful coexistence. Taking responsibility for our words and actions is a great way of making amends but it can also be a struggle for a lot of us. Here are some ways to handle the conversation better:
Figure out what’s underneath – Arguments are usually blown out of proportion since we tend to wait till things get bad to deal with them. As a result, we get very frustrated over tiny situations when there is something bigger happening on the inside. We notice this when watching a scene where two actors are shouting at each other but only we, the audience, knows what’s going through their minds. Talking through the problem would be more fruitful than getting into a screaming match.
Recognize our limitations – Someone pointing out our mistakes does not mean they want to hurt us, but express that they are hurt by our behaviour. We can get swept up in the fallacy that we are always right but fail to see that others’ experiences of us are not the same as ours. The quicker we are to spot what needs work, the easier it is to create effective change.
Don’t be on the defensive – It’s natural to want to defend ourselves when we believe we are under attack. The same goes for arguments, especially when blame is involved. We can allow ourselves be open to ‘threats’ by reframing them as ‘pointers’ for a better relationship. This is not to say that we have to accept the blame for everything another might point out to us as there is a huge difference between someone gaslighting you and someone truly sharing your part in a situation that you may not see clearly. People who gaslight usually do so after responsibility is put on them and they try to deflect it back to you.
Apologize – We may not always understand how or why the other feels hurt but when they express it, we need to own the part we have played. Apologizing is not a sign of weakness. Even if we don’t see how our ‘joke’ or ‘tone’ may be hurtful, we can understand that what we said or did was not received the way we intended and thus, needs repairing.
Create a dialogue – Once we have acknowledged our part, we are more likely to hear their side of things calmly and state ours. We need to avoid interrupting or correcting them. Waiting till they are done, checking in if they have shared what they needed to and then stating our perspective would bring out better results. The process of debriefing might be long and tedious but better to get it done than keep things building up for another time.