Anger is a natural emotional response to a number of situations, however it has developed quite a bad rap. It is one of the emotions that cause us to act out or even hurt another person in the process. Those that struggle to regulate their anger can often believe it is so instinctive a response that there’s no out. However, your anger is just like any other emotion and works on similar principles. Here are some ways to handle the anger better when it comes up:
1. Identify your primary emotion – Anger is a secondary emotion, meaning that there is usually an underlying primary emotion that tends to be covered up with the anger. This can also explain why factors like heat, hunger or loud noises contribute to feelings of anger. Or why we get angry when someone rejects us when the primary emotion would be hurt or sadness. When we identify what the primary emotion is under the secondary, we would be able to have a better hold on the anger we feel and tend to those needs for the future.
2. Evaluate past responses – Notice how you had responded in the past when things got out of hand with the anger. Identify what your unhelpful and helpful responses were. Examples of unhelpful responses could be breaking something, screaming at the person or getting physically aggressive. Helpful responses could be waiting to respond, screaming into a pillow or walking away. Using this can help develop a better course of action for the next time anger spurs up.
3. Figure out triggers – The best way to prepare for your anger responses is by identifying what triggers it off the most. Sometimes being around certain people, places or even particular words can make us quite tense. When we are aware that we have had difficulty regulating our anger in the past in relation to them, we can be more proactive in turning to self-soothing. After all, prevention is better than cure.
4. Pause before reacting – Pausing can be difficult to think about doing in the moment which is why planning beforehand could be a helpful way of going about it. When you notice the anger rising in your body, start counting to whichever number you need to till the anger eventually subsides or count by multiples of 7. You could also choose to leave the room for a moment and/or try doing some deep breathing exercises for atleast 2-3 minutes.
5. Self-soothing – When you are in the position of being alone, you can tend to yourself better. Try your hand at journaling how you feel and see what comes up for you. You could identify what the primary emotion was and why it showed up. You can also soothe by sharing with a friend what you are experiencing, or perhaps cooling down physically with a shower or going on a walk to let the emotions out that way.