Empathy is the ability of relating to another person and understanding their experiences. It gives us the chance to bond with people, no matter how different we are from them. Though we may not be able to connect to exactly what a person is going through, we can imagine how we would feel in that situation and understand the emotion the person is experiencing. While it is an ability we all do have, it may not be something we know to express too well. Here are some ways you can build on it:
Active listening – Showing we are listening comes not just from looking wide-eyed at the speaker but actively contributing in small ways to what they say. This can be done by paraphrasing and summarizing things they have said, for the clarity of both listener and speaker. It also helps them know you have been paying attention. Notice if you can pick up on an emotion in what they share and reflect on that.
Ask questions – When we ask questions, we imply that we want to know more and are eager to understand the person. This can be done using certain probes like “Can you tell me more about that?” or “What did you mean when you said___?”. Asking questions can be done once the person has completed their train of thought, so they do not feel interrupted.
Stay with the feeling – This can be a tricky one for most of us. It would be a reminder more so for unpleasant emotions but the same goes for pleasant ones. Often when a person feels down and shares what they are going through, we are quick to try and rationalise, paint a brighter picture, or dismiss the feeling by brushing over it. This is because we find it uncomfortable to sit with those emotions ourselves and want it to pass. However, people generally wish to seek comfort through the discomfort and not just try to get rid of it.
Create space for sharing – It seems fairly simple and straightforward, yet something that a lot of us find difficult to do for someone else. As a way to relate to the people sharing, we feel the urge to insert a similar story of our own or unconsciously take the spotlight away from the person so that we can have our say on the situation. This, naturally, makes the other feel like what they were saying was not very important. Allow them to complete sharing their experience before offering your thoughts.
Catch the non-verbals – People say a lot through their non-verbals, more so than their verbals. We can deduce that someone saying “I’m doing well” with a sullen look is probably not doing as well as they say. Look out for signs of what they are feeling by paying attention to their facial expressions, vocal tone, volume, pitch and body language for starters. By doing so, we dive further into what the person must be feeling and make them feel understood.