Gaslighting is an emotionally abusive strategy, usually inflicted on a person in order to have them second-guess their reality, memory, identity and thoughts. While the act is usually concealed and not openly displayed, the implications are vividly noticeable.
Gaslighting is commonly seen in romantic relationships but it can exist in friendships, familial relations and professional relationships. The way the abuser emerges successful is through the gradual creation of false narratives. They begin by changing tiny details in past events which leads to the victim questioning their memory and what they believed to be true of the past. Over time, the victim is left questioning their sanity.
The reason an abuser gaslights is to control the relationship and gain the upperhand. Abusers are more likely to be self-absorbed and place themselves on a pedestal which makes them want to manipulate the people around them.
Here are the ways in which an abuser can gaslight you:
– Lying to you and denying the truth even when you call them out.
– Distorting Facts by changing the details of stories to have you second-guess your memory.
– Discrediting you by spreading rumours about you to other people in hopes of making them believe you are “crazy”.
– Denying your concerns by quickly changing the subject when you express any form of worry.
– Minimising your feelings with the use of statements such as “You’re overreacting” and “Stop being so sensitive”, hence undervaluing your emotions.
– Blame-shifting by making you feel like the reason they are behaving the way they do.
– Using compassion to hide the truth with the use of ingenuine phrases of affection to deny the situation and their wrongdoings.
There are some of the signs you will notice if you have been gaslit:
– Doubt and lack of trust in your feelings.
– Feeling extremely vulnerable and insecure around the abuser.
– You feel alone and trapped, believing everyone thinks you are “crazy”.
– You end up apologising a lot of the time.
– You feel a sense of threat when you are around this person.
– You wonder if something is actually wrong with you.
– You stop trusting your decisions and allow other people to make decisions for you.
Here are some steps you can take if you’re experienced gaslighting:
– Protect yourself: Keep some distance from the abuser, and end the relationship if possible at this time.
– Keep evidence: Since gasligthing can cause you to question yourself, try to identify such moments as they can help reassure your truth.
– Set boundaries: Create a boundary in your relationship that will prevent the abuser from minimising your feelings or denying their actions.
– Gain perspective from someone else: Aim to make the situation clearer by gaining insight from another person. This will also give you more clarity.
– Consider talking to a mental health professional: This can help you better understand the situation and teach you specific coping strategies.
As the experience of gaslighting can leave you feeling disoriented and subdued, it can be helpful to share your truth with loved ones or a mental health professional. This will allow you to feel more grounded and disengage from the ways the gaslighter has governed your emotions. Moreover, seeking support from people you feel safe with will give you the space to grieve the actuality of the situation and navigate your feelings. With time, effort and self-compassion, you will overcome this.
By Sonia Raheja