Unchecked bitterness can become ugly. It sucks out our joy and peace, leaving us feeling unfulfilled about our lives. It causes us to look with bias, seeing all the things that have gone wrong for us and overlook all the things that we were once excited by. This bias extends to others, only we see all the things that have gone right for them and overlook the not-so-great parts. Growing bitterness makes it hard to relate to ourselves and others with kindness. Celebrating our own little wins and others become difficult, even when it’s what we would love to do. Though it can be really tough, here are some ways to work on these feelings:
Normalising the desire – The reason bitterness can be so persistent is because we see others having the things that we long for. Having desires are not a bad thing and in fact, gives us reason to be hopeful and active in our pursuit for it. When we shame ourselves for feeling upset, we dismiss and ignore very valid feelings of longing. We need to instead show kindness and self-compassion, assuring ourselves that it’s okay to want certain things and that it’s a hard place to be at.
Checking in with self – While it’s okay to have desires, it cannot be something that we let consume us. When that happens, we are likely to feel resentful and we pull away because it gets hard to stay with the person(s) in the moment. Grounding ourselves to take care of our emotions is important so that they don’t spill over onto our connections. Checking in to see how we are doing and reminding ourselves of why we care about the relationships could be a helpful way to curb the bitterness.
Harder boundaries – When we are craving something, and someone we know receives that, being around them can be difficult. We know we want healthy relationships and recognise that it’s painful to see others get what we want. Being kind to ourselves and saving the relationship would require setting boundaries with ourselves and the other. This might look like telling the person that there are touchy topics that we would rather stay away from for a while or putting a cap on how long something is discussed, etc.
Distractions – Humans aren’t the best at multitasking. When we seek out distractions, we inevitably shift our attention from overwhelming feelings to the areas that we can control. Distractions are short term solutions to uncomfortable feelings and are necessary to interrupt the spirals that we might go on if we are left to ruminate. This could look like working on a project, listening to something we like, talking to friends and so on.
Gratitude – We’ve heard it plenty and yet, it is still one of the best things to do. When we actively think of things that are going right with our lives and what we wished for that have come to fruition, we create space for both the pleasant and unpleasant feelings. It’s alright for us to feel upset that we don’t have the specific things we want. In incorporating what we are grateful that already exists, we have a balance instead of it feeling like we are always lacking.