What is it?
People-pleasing involves the accommodation of the needs of others, typically to the detriment of our own well-being. Some common signs of a people pleaser include poor boundaries, struggling to say “no,” and frequently apologizing.
Our politeness and concern for how people perceive our behaviour is often a marker of many relationships. The people-pleasing tendencies may begin at a young age with trying to please our parents as a way of creating safety and connection when we felt alone and scared. When the environment is highly stressful or traumatic, our body responds in four ways: fight (hypervigilance, anger, physical aggression, yelling), flight (fleeing, fidgeting, packing), freeze (dissociation, numbness, immobility) and fawn (people pleasing, high agreeableness, being unable to set boundaries). An example would be that of an abusive or neglectful caregiver, where an individual tries to escape mistreatment through the fawn response. This is an attempt to avoid conflict and trauma (boundaries being ignored, emotional needs being unmet) in order to avoid being a burden and by appeasing people.
As an adult, this means that in relationships, we are consistently ignoring our own needs, values, and boundaries so as to control and conform to what we believe others expect of us. We start depending on external validation for a sense of contentment and satisfaction in order to avoid the shame and resentment that often brews within us. Often, it is also socially and culturally reinforced in families, the workplace, and in educational systems, which makes it difficult to change.
Things to keep in mind when we tend to people-please:
1. People-pleasing is a learned response to protect ourselves: It is a coping mechanism in which people-pleasing behaviors occur to avoid conflict, pacify threatening behaviours and people, and create a sense of safety.
2. People-pleasing will prevent us from making meaningful connections in our intimate relationships: Not expressing our needs, wants and feelings often hinders a bond where the other person is unable to completely gauge our authentic selves.
3. Setting and maintaining boundaries feels uncomfortable and selfish: A certain level of discomfort always comes with changing set patterns of behaviours and trying something new. It is neither cruel nor selfish to want to protect our own needs and emotions.
4. Our self-worth and sense of self don’t come from approval from others: We deserve more than conditional love and our worth does not diminish when we refuse to seek approval from unhealthy and harmful parents, peers and partners.
By Meghna Roy