Listening to another is an important means to understanding their unique worldview. Often that comes with the frustration that the other is different from us, which causes disagreements that can escalate to confrontation or conflict. Learning how to converse in a way that keeps the dialogue open and friendly can be challenging at times, depending on the person or the topic up for discussion. Here are some things to keep in mind when doing so:
It is not a battle – Remember that you don’t have to ‘win’ and if the other person seems to have ‘won’ or has the last word, that’s perfectly fine. It does not reflect on your worth or how smart you are, even if it feels that way. The fact that both parties still try to reconcile what the other has put across is what is important here.
Leave room for both sides to be shared – Dialogues are the best way of giving and gaining understanding. There are no defences put up but genuine curiosity. When one is curious to know more about the other’s perspective, there won’t be space for anger or frustration during a disagreement.
Take breaks in conversation – If things start to get heated like hurtful words thrown or raised voices, taking a break would be a great option for both sides. Dr. John Gottman believes taking a break of at least 20 minutes would be beneficial if one or both parties find it tough to remain calm. Let the other know that you need a break for a bit to have a more fruitful conversation. This break is not to be indefinite as both need to return to the conversation. Else, this would get slipped under the rug and make things worse.
It’s not you or me – Avoid making it personal by insulting the other or assigning blame. A different view does not mean the person is no longer on your ‘side’ or supportive of you and your thoughts. It just means that you are humans independent of thoughts, values and beliefs. When this is misunderstood as the other being against us, we might feel the need to get on the offense and hurt them as a way to level the playing field. A rational discussion then turns into a screaming match where no one leaves happy.
Issue guidelines from the start – Boundaries or guidelines for the talk might be helpful for both parties to know what is to be expected when it takes place. Sometimes we have repeated conversations on certain topics that we know get us riled up. Rather than reaching an impasse or being hurtful, having structure to what acceptable responses look like would be best to know how to navigate through the differences.
Agree to disagree – If you’re at your wits end, it’s also acceptable to not engage. Not every disagreement requires you to argue, especially if all it’s doing is draining you and/or the other with no helpful results. When you see that it does possibly do more harm than good to talk about particular topics, bring up how it is alright to agree to disagree. Recognizing that we cannot change anyone is important here as the airing of differences may start out that way.