Giving advice is second nature to a lot of us. We are probably dubbed our friends’ and family’s go-to therapists (disclaimer: therapists do not give advice) and we help relate to them the best ways possible. We provide a space for them to share what they are feeling, also feeling good ourselves knowing that we helped them out with their problem. Here are some things to keep in mind the next time you are approached to share:
· The spotlight needs to be on them – It’s normal to want to relate the experiences that people have with your own experiences. Infact, it can be of great help to know that they are not alone or the first ones to be going through it and that you may offer invaluable advice as a result. A pitfall to sharing only from your mental framework would be that the dialogue may turn into a monologue about you, rather than identifying what helped you that could help them out in the same way. Keep redirecting the conversation if you feel that it’s all about you and work on figuring something out together. Try structuring your advice by saying, “This worked for me when I was in a similar situation/felt similar emotions, maybe it could be of help to you?”
· They may not take your advice – Don’t take it personally when they don’t heed your advice. Naturally, if you were to talk to two people about the same problem, chances are you’d have to decide on going with what one said or decide to abandon their ideas altogether. The odds of people choosing to go against your advice has really nothing to do with you but rather what works for them in that situation and with their resources (physical, mental, etc).
· You do not know what they are going through – Don’t assume to know what they’re going through but instead listen to what they have to say. When we make assumptions about how a person is feeling, we may unintentionally dismiss their experience. For example, if a person just went through a breakup, we may assume that they are really upset but they may instead feel relieved. Assuming they feel sad puts the pressure on them to have to feel sad, as though it is the ‘normal’ response in such situations and what they feel is wrong.
· Non-verbal cues give a lot away – Pay close attention to their non-verbal cues and yours. When they are sharing, make mental observations as to how they are conveying their story. If their eyebrows are furrowed together, the corners of their mouth turning downward, you could infer that they are probably upset over the situation. In a similar way, pay attention to what non-verbal cues you are giving out. Is there a tone of judgement when you respond? Are you rolling your eyes at what they are saying? Such subtle (and not-so-subtle) cues are picked up on quick and will make the person closed off from sharing.
· It’s okay to not know everything – If you do not know too much about what the person is asking about, don’t feel the need to give advice if you are unsure if it is helpful. Instead, give them a disclaimer that you may not know exactly what to do but *xyz* would be the course you might take. Saying, “I’ve never been in that position before but I believe I would do ___” or “My friend who went through something similar said ___ helped him” would be more helpful than sharing something possibly detrimental to their wellbeing. A different response would be “I don’t know what could be helpful here but I’m happy to find out more with you and support you however else I can”.