Assertiveness is the act of standing up for yourself and others by speaking your truth and conveying it in a manner that prevents you from being too aggressive or too passive in how you communicate. At the root of it, being assertive is prioritizing yourself – your thoughts, feelings, values. Sometimes, however, we can make mistakes in how we approach difficult dialogues. Here are some tips on getting there a little easier:
Set boundaries upfront – Get both parties to understand the ‘rules’ of the discussion – what is fair and what is not. Discuss the types of behaviours or responses that will not be tolerated and what would indicate the end of the conversation. Be truthful about the reactions that make you uncomfortable and ask for honest feedback for yourself about the same.
Avoid the blame game – When you want to talk about something that’s bothering you or share your thoughts about something involving another person, ensure that you aren’t readying yourself for a battle. They won’t listen if they feel attacked and your discussion is not going to get you both anywhere. It would be a lose-lose situations, leaving you right back where you started.
Pause and breathe – This is done so that you act and speak in line with your goals and avoid saying or doing anything in haste. Pausing can minimize the chances of acting out of impulse, something that we may be prone to doing when we feel like our needs are not being met or we’re not being heard. Take a couple of breaths before you share what’s on your mind.
Check your non-verbals – Sometimes we think we need to be loud so that we are heard but chances are, the other person is put off completely as they feel drowned out. You are both left at an impasse and you may feel the need to be even louder and the cycle continues on. Take a different approach by softening up and using a tone that is less confrontational.
Reframe statements – You want the person to hear you out so perhaps this indicates the need to reframe the way you’ve been conveying the message. Try using more ‘I’ statements than ‘You’ statements as the latter usually implies blame on the other person and we know how that turns out (refer to point 1). When we use more ‘I’ language, we also honour our feelings and leave room for the other to understand where we’re coming from. A great template would be “I feel _(insert emotion)_, when you _(insert behaviour)_”. For example, “I feel ignored when you don’t wash the dishes like we discussed.” You can add an invitation at the end of your statement to make it a combined effort such as “I feel angry when you leave conversations abruptly. What can we do to make the situation better?/What can we do differently?”
Reflect – See how you handled the discussion post following these steps and take notes for future interactions. Look back to confrontational conversations in other settings and with other individuals. Recall to see how you did and what you would want to do differently so that you are more prepared the next time you find yourself in similar waters.