We all mess up. It’s true regardless of how much time we spend trying to perfect ourselves. The need to be without blemish can make it tough to know what to do when we make a mistake. In a culture like ours, the behaviours that were modelled to us usually teach us to sweep matters under the rug, forget it and move on. However, it may not always be the easier option nor the best for the relationship. Here are some points to reflect on for the future:
Introspect – It is possible that because of how bad we feel, we are not ready to accept how we made the other person feel as it paints us in a negative tone. No one wants or likes to feel unpleasant or distressed. A result of that could be an inability to accept responsibility for our words or actions. Carve some time out to reflect on how the situation played out for both parties and see what conclusions are come to.
Take ownership – The knowledge that our poor choices led to a rupture in our relationship with someone can be a hard pill to swallow. It is also that awareness that starts the reparation process. When we take ownership of those choices and communicate to the other that we erred in our ways, we demonstrate that we care about their feelings and the relationship. We also need to keep in mind that this must be hard for them as well to deal with. Taking charge of the situation may just be the best thing we could do for both parties.
Reach out – It can feel shameful or embarrassing to think of the way we acted which might make us more drawn to staying within our shell rather than reaching out to the person we hurt. Reaching out doesn’t just mean talking to them since we can easily skirt around the topic and avoid addressing the events that took place. Reaching out would require focusing on what happened and having a dialogue about it.
Acknowledge the hurt – When we talk to the person, we need to be careful to not dismiss their feelings or manipulate their experience to favour us. Defensiveness is a very natural, unhelpful response that comes up when the spotlight is on us and not in a good way. Recognize when the defensiveness could be kicking in and try to focus instead on what the other person might be experiencing instead. Make it clear that you would want to apologize and express your regrets in handling the situation poorly which resulted in hurting the person.
Make repairs – The kind of repairs would depend on the relationship we have with the other party and the extent of damage done. For some situations, an apology goes a long way and can be a great way to start over. For others, it may take longer for the person to come around post an apology. What might be warranted in other situations could be accompanying gestures such as bringing a small gift or a token of appreciation like their favourite chocolate or writing them a note of gratitude.